1st Essay Assignment Corrections & Reflections from 03/10
Hi
Please put up comments to this post in the following format:
Name:
Question:
My Topic Sentences: (at least 3)
My Improved paragraph:
My Reflections & Learning Points: [write down what obstacles you had and what you have learnt from this assignment]
Let's push towards great achievements together!
Cheers
Ms Goh
14 comments:
Name: Ng Jia Min
Question: To what extent do you agree that the mass media has contributed to the decline in family ties.
My Topic Sentences:
a. Mass media has created a generation of young people who are too cooped up in their virtual lives.
b. The advent of the mass media has led to a dent in family ties by introducing new means of communication that only caters to the generation of IT-savvy youths.
c. Marital values have been eroded by the rise of mass media as it serves to encourage the way-wardness of couples.
My Improved paragraph:
Marital values have been eroded by the rise of mass media as it serves to encourage the way-wardness of couples. Known as the union of 2 people, marriage is built upon the basic foundation of love and trust. However, the rise of mass media has seen these foundations being displaced. The internet and the TV have taken on primary role in depicting extra-marital relationships as an acceptable norm. More interestingly, people are starting to be swayed by the concept that a good drama serial has to have steamy, sexual scenes and extra-marital affairs. From American dramas like Gossip Girl and Desperate Housewives to Singaporean drama serials like Little Nyonya and The Ultimatum, the exposure to such way-wardness has increased in scope. Adding fuel to the fire, the media has been known for being extremely influential and has the ability to change the mindset towards such extra-marital affairs. Moreover, the media has served to distort the image of extra-marital affairs as it is no longer portrayed as a taboo in society. Instead, it encourages more people to indulge in such affairs as the media has depicted them as acceptable and even pleasurable and healthy. Gone are the days when marital values are built upon a solid rock and marital values are seen as despicable as the mass media has shifted the notion of strong family ties based on love and trust into shaky grounds.
My Reflections & Learning Points:
1. Time-management- My sentence structure went awry when I realised I had really little time left.
2. The need for a clearer and sharper paragraphs
3. Better organisation of paragraphs
Name: Angelina Zoey Lim
Question: How far do you agree that family planning should be a responsibility of the state rather than the individual?
My Topic Sentences:
1. A rise in the number of working couples has resulted in population growth, leading to an increase in aging populations and government intervention is required to prevent problems that such a population will bring about in the future.
2. One of the responsibilities of the state is to ensure societal welfare by ensuring that the country's resources are sufficient to support the entire population and government intervention in family planning is required for that to be achieved.
3. Governments' intervention in family planning could also be due to the need to protect a certain groups of people such as females in third-world countries, whose rights are being violated.
My Improved paragraph:
A rise in the number of working couples has resulted in population growth, leading to an increase in aging populations and government intervention is required to prevent problems that such a population will bring about in the future.
A decrease in population growth would mean a decrease in labour force participants which would have a direct impact on the country's future economy. The government is able to gather and use their statistics to accurately predict the problems that an aging population will bring about and take action from there. Citizens of the country are too short-sighted to understand the problems that they would face in the future if the problem of an aging population is not addressed. Japan faces the problem of an aging population whereby more and more women are entering the workforce. This reduces the number of childbirths, thus leading to an aging population whereby there will be a shortage of labour participants in the future, therefore jeopardizing the country's future economy. This emphasizes the importance of a government's intervention in family planning to address future population problems, the extent of which can be reduced through the implementation of policies to encourage their citizens to have a family. Therefore, for the sake of economic growth and prosperity, family planning should be the responsbility of the state rather than the individual.
My Reflections & Learning Points:
Had trouble expressing my ideas fluently, grammar could be improved which shows the important of rereading the essay a few times to ensure that this does not happen, and I could have done better with the examples given by researching more.
Name: Jeremiah Chan 03/10
Question: The education system in Singapore today is effective in preparing youths for the future. To what extent do you agree?
My Topic Sentences:
1. The Singapore Education system has also been effective in preparing youths for adulthood in the future through the implementation of subjects which aid the youths to prepare for what is happening in the working world.
2. The Singapore Education system has also been effective in preparing youths for adulthood in the future through the implementation of co-curricular activities also known as CCA.
3. The Singapore Education system has also been effective in preparing youths for adulthood in the future through the exposure of many subjects so as to open up more doors for the youth in the future.
My improved Paragraph:
The Singapore Education system has also been effective in preparing youths for adulthood in the future through the implementation of co-curricular activities also known as CCA. The use of joining any type of CCA be it in terms of sports, performing arts, clubs and societies allows youth to take up roles which require responsibility and also skills such as inter-personal skills which is essential in this competitive society today. Through the development of such skills, youths will then learn to solve such inter-personal relationship issues that could possibly arise in the future when in our workplace, social circle etc. The taking up of such leadership roles in the CCA also allows youths to develop leadership abilities which can aid youths in the future when they are being made in charge of a team for a specific task. With the leadership ability that is developed during their youth, they will then be able to ensure the efficiency of the team in accomplishing the task. Therefore, the Singapore education system has been successful in preparing youths for adulthood in the future. However, there are limitations to the number of students taking up leadership roles in their CCA and that these students take up such roles normally have leadership abilities before they were chosen. Thus, it is ineffective in preparing youths for adulthood in the future. But, despite the limitations to the number of leadership roles in the CCA, there are other programmes for other students who do not have such roles to develop their own leadership abilities such as the Mazarin Program in Temasek Junior College which requires you to create a whole new CIP event to help the community. Therefore, we can see that the Singapore education has been effective in preparing for youths for adulthood in the future.
Reflections and Learning Points:
The obstacles I faced are mainly the counter-argument and counter-counter argument as it is hard to re-process your thoughts to go against your argument and then further defend your argument. I have learnt how to develop my thoughts and analyze the question properly.
Name: Tan Huan Ying 02/10
Question: The education system in Singapore is effective in preparing young people for the future. Discuss.
My topic sentence:
1. The education system in Singapore is effective in preparing young people for the future because it does not just merely concentrate on academic learning, it also places much emphasis on developing soft skills, such as communication skills, public-speaking skill, which are essential for young people when they start working in the future.
2. To develop students to be well versed in both academic and non-academic areas, MOE plans its academic framework in such a way that it has academic rigor which is effective in preparing young people for the future.
3. The education system in Singapore does not only cater to those who are academically geared, it also has programmes and schools specially tailored to those who are less academically-inclined. Hence enabling them to develop their own skills and talent which would prepare them for the future.
My improved paragraph:
The education system in Singapore is effective in preparing young people for the future because it does not just merely concentrate on academic learning, it also places much emphasis on developing soft skills, such as communication skills,public speaking skills, which are essential for young people when they start working in the future. Due to influx of foreign talent in the workforce and economic reforming due to globalization in the last few years, attaining an A grade no longer guarantee success in life. What determines success is the ability to think critically on the spot, speak confidently in public and also working well with others. To better train young people to develop these soft skills, MOE has made changes to the education system such that in the process of learning, young people would also master these soft skills which would ensure their success in future. Just recently, in January 2010, MOE announced that there will be an increased percentage for oral examination from 2012 onwards. This move taken by MOE reveals the importance of communicating and critical thinking skills. MOE’s flexibility towards changes reveals the effectiveness of the education system in Singapore that continuously adapts itself to global trends, national and economic developments to prepare young people for the future.
Reflections and Learning points:
was struggling to complete this essay due to limited time. could not think of concrete examples for counter arguments.
EDITED BY MS GOH Part 1
Name: Ng Jia Min
Question: To what extent do you agree that the mass media has contributed to the decline in family ties?
My Topic Sentences:
a. Mass media has created a generation of young people who are too cooped up in their virtual lives NOT linked to family ties?!! Lack of communication? Change of priorities?
b. The advent of the mass media has led to a dent in family ties by introducing new means of communication that only caters to the generation of IT-savvy youths. YES
c. Marital values have been eroded by the rise of mass media as it serves to encourage the waywardness of couples. UGH. Phrasing. They both are wayward? Does not make sense.
My Reflections & Learning Points:
1. Time-management- My sentence structure went awry when I realised I had really little time left.
2. The need for a clearer and sharper paragraphs. YES. I LIKE THIS STATEMENT.
3. Better organisation of paragraphs. YES. IT’S ESP IMPORTANT FOR AIMING FOR A ‘C’ & ABOVE.
EDITED BY MS GOH Part 2
Marital values have been eroded by mass media’s negative portrayals of marriage. In this union of 2 individuals, marriage is necessarily built upon a foundation of love and trust. However, mass media has undermined these values by sensationalizing real-life and reel-life breaking downs of marital unions. This works on two levels. Firstly, the internet and the television industry depict extra-marital relationships and other acts of breaking of the marriage vows as an acceptable norm in their coverage of celebrities’ relationships. While there are at times negative overtones in the commentary or depiction of spousal infidelity, more often than not, the intensive coverage becomes a tool for publicity. The attention-seeking nature of mass media milks all it can from what should be a very sad event of spousal betrayal, thus monetizing a very emotional and tragic event in a person’s life. This builds a cynicism in all involved— actors, reporters and spectators alike of the paparrazi—towards the once-sacred institution of marriage. As scriptwriters attempt to create characters and situations to which viewers can relate to, the breaking up of marriages become so much food for fodder. This triggers off a vicious cycle. The more television drama and films depict separations and divorces as being normal, the more the public will find it normal and the more mass media will continue featuring it, so on and so forth. Especially with the increasing number of hours that people, young and old, today are spending viewing such content, it is no wonder that the general public’s perception of marriage has been influenced. Certainly, in an economic sense, there is no surprise that the profit-maximizing studios will want to garner high viewership by having steamy, sexual scenes and extra-marital affairs. But there are serious social repercussions that often fall by the wayside of consideration. From popular American dramas like Gossip Girl and Desperate Housewives to Singaporean drama serials like Little Nyonya and The Ultimatum, the exposure to such marital transgressions has increased in not just scope but also in degrees, with increasingly sympathetic depictions of philandering, et cetera. The enormous success of salacious TMZ programme on MTV which specializes in catching the celebrity at their worst, including in the act of betrayal, as well as the widespread headline-topping, mind-boggling exploits of Tiger Woods in America and Jack Neo in Singapore illustrate the kind of media interest that results in an inundation of what used to be tabloid gossip on the consciousness of the public. Admittedly, extra-marital affairs are not a new phenomenon and the present rise in divorces cannot be solely blamed on mass media. However, the intensity of the coverage through the 24-hour nature of the internet and television and news channels reinforced in newspapers and magazines has never before been so immediate nor so overwhelming. Gone are the days when marriages were built upon a solid rock and marital values such as honesty, trust and loyalty were a given as now the mass media shifts the notion of strong family ties based on love and trust onto shaky grounds.
EDITED BY MS GOH:
Name: Angelina Zoey Lim
Question: How far do you agree that family planning should be a responsibility of the state rather than the individual?
My Topic Sentences:
1. A rise in the number of working couples has resulted in population growth HUH? IS THERE A MISTAKE HERE?, leading to an increase TO aging populations and government intervention is required to prevent problems that such a population will bring about in the future.
2. One of the responsibilities of the state is to ensure societal welfare by ensuring RR UGH that the country's resources are sufficient to support the entire population and government intervention in family planning is required for that to be achieved.
3. Governments' intervention in family planning could also be due to the need to protect a certain groups of people such as females in third-world countries, whose rights are being violated.
My Improved paragraph:
A rise in the number of working couples has resulted in population growth??? LOGIC?, leading to an increase in aging populations and government intervention is required to prevent problems that such a population will bring about in the future. YOUR TS IS VERY CONFUSING!!! PLEASE CHECK TS, ESSAYS BEFORE SUBMISSION.
EDITED BY MS GOH PART 1:
Name: Jeremiah Chan 03/10
Question: The education system in Singapore today is effective in preparing youths for the future. To what extent do you agree?
My Topic Sentences:
1. The Singapore Education system has been effective in preparing youths for adulthood in the future through the INTRODUCTION OF SPECIALIZED DISCIPLINES which aid the youths IN PREPARING for what is happening in the working world.
2. The Singapore Education system has also been effective in preparing youths TO BE LEADERS IN VARIOUS FIELDS in the future through the implementation of co-curricular activities also known as CCA.
3. The Singapore Education system has also been effective in preparing youths for adulthood in the future through the exposure of many subjects so as to open up more doors for the youth in the future. YES
EDITED BY MS GOH (JEREMIAH'S PART 2):
My improved Paragraph:
The Singapore Education system has also been effective in preparing youths TO BE LEADERS IN VARIOUS FIELDS in the future through the implementation of co-curricular activities also known as CCA. Joining ANY ONE OF THE CCA be it in THE AREA of sports, performing arts, clubs and societies allows youth to take up roles which INCULCATE THE VALUES OF responsibility and also skills such as inter-personal skills which is essential in this competitive society today. Through SUCH TRAINING, youths will learn to BUILD inter-personal relationships SO THAT THEY CAN BE VALUABLE TEAM MEMBERS IN THEIR workplace. FURTHERMORE, STUDENTS ARE HIGHLY ENCOURAGED TO TAKE up leadership roles in the CCA SO THAT THEY HAVE THE ABILITY TO develop leadership abilities which WILL FURTHER ENHANCE THEIR CAPABILITIES TO ‘VALUE-ADD’ AND BE AN ACTIVE PARTICIPANT OF THE KNOWLEDGE-BASED ECONOMY. [YOUR EXPLANATION IS PHRASED VERY AWKWARDLY]. [Therefore YOU DID NOT PROVE THIS! the Singapore education system has been successful in preparing youths for adulthood in the future]. However, INEVITABLY, there are limitS to the number of leadership roles THAT ARE AVAILABLE in ANY CCA. [CONTRADICTION. LOGIC? Thus, it is ineffective in preparing youths for adulthood in the future]. But, THERE ARE SYSTEMS IN PLACE IN SCHOOLS TO PROVIDE AS MANY OPPORTUNITIES AS POSSIBLE BEYOND THE CCA, such as the Mazarin Program in Temasek Junior College which requires A STUDENT to create a whole new CIP event to help the community OR THE DIVISION OF LEADERSHIP ROLES AS SUBJECT AND CLASS REPRESENTATIVES WHICH CAN THEREFORE PROVIDE OPPORTUNITIES FOR AS MANY AS HALF OF A CLASS OF STUDENTS. WITH SUCH EXPOSURE AT SUCH A YOUNG AGE UNDER THE TUTELAGE OF THEIR TEACHERS, STUDENTS ARE ABLE TO PICK UP ON-THE-JOB LEADERSHIP SKILLS AND DIFFERENT LEADERSHIP STYLES IN A SAFE ENVIRONMENT, SUCH THAT THEY WILL BE ABLE TO TAKE ON THE MANTLE OF LEADERSHIP WITH GREATER CONFIDENCE. IT CAN BE SAID THEN that the Singapore education has been effective in SYSTEMATICALLY GIVING THE YOUNG AN OPPORTUNITY TO BE EXPOSED TO LEADERSHIP ROLES WHICH WILL GIVE THEM A HEADSTART INTO BECOME CAPTAINS OF INDUSTRY OR OF THEIR OWN FIELDS in the future. WHILE ULTIMATELY WHETHER THE STUDENTS DEVELOP THE GRIT TO TAKE ON THE BATON OF LEADERSHIP IN THEIR FUTURE WORKING LIFE, IT IS WITHOUT A DOUBT THAT SINGAPORE’S EDUCATION POLICY WHICH HAS BEEN VERY PROGRESSIVE IN PREDICTING THE NEEDS OF STUDENTS IN THEIR FUTURE HAS EFFECTIVELY GIVEN STUDENTS A HEADSTART IN THIS AREA COMPARED TO MANY OTHER COUNTRIES IN NOT ONLY ASIA BUT ALSO POSSIBLY THE DEVELOPLED COUNTRIES OF EUROPE AND AMERICA.
Reflections and Learning Points:
The obstacles I faced are mainly the counter-argument and counter-counter argument as it is hard to re-process your thoughts to go against your argument and then further defend your argument. I have learnt how to develop my thoughts and analyze the question properly. YOUR DEBATING SKILLS WILL IMPROVE?!
EDITED BY MS GOH PART 1:
Question: The education system in Singapore is effective in preparing young people for the future. Discuss.
My topic sentence:
1. The education system in Singapore is effective in preparing young people for the future because it does not just merely concentrate on academic learning, it also places much emphasis on developing soft skills, such as communication skills, public-speaking skill, which are essential for young people when they start working in the future. YES, CLEAR
2. To develop students to be well versed in both academic and non-academic areas, MOE plans its academic framework in such a way that it has academic rigor which is effective in preparing young people for PARTICIPATING IN A future WORKFORCE THAT REQUIRES MORE AND MORE SPECIALIZED SKILLS AND KNOWLEDGE.
3. The education system in Singapore does not only cater to those who are academically geared, it also has programmes and schools specially tailored to those who are less academically-inclined. Hence enabling them to develop their own skills and talent which would prepare them for the future. YES
Reflections and Learning points:
I was struggling to complete this essay due to limited time. I could not think of concrete examples for counter arguments. THIS IS AN EXCUSE. I GAVE OUT THE ESSAY QUESTIONS A LONG TIME AGO. AS A TEACHER, I AM INTERESTED IN TEACHING STUDENTS WHO NOT ONLY WORK HARD BUT ALSO PUSH THEMSELVES TO EXCEL. THIS IS AN OPPORTUNITY FOR REFLECTION I HOPE.
EDITED BY MS GOH PART 2:
Name: Tan Huan Ying
My improved paragraph:
The education system in Singapore is effective in preparing young people for the future because it does not just merely concentrate on academic learning, it also places much emphasis on developing soft skills, such as communication skills, public speaking skills, which are essential for young people when they start working in the future. Due to THE influx of foreign talent in the workforce, THE OUTSOURCING OF MANUFACTURING OVERSEAS TO COUNTRIES WITH LOWER COSTS due to globalization and economic RESTRUCTURING in the last few years, attaining an ‘A’ grade no longer guaranteeS success in THE WORKPLACE. What determines success is the ability to think critically on the spot, speak confidently in public and also work well with others. To better train young people to develop these soft skills, MOE [WHAT IS MOE?] has made changes to the education system such that young people AT THE YOUNG AGE OF THEIR TEENS would master these soft skills which would ensure their success in future. Just recently, in January 2010, MOE announced that there will be an increased percentage for oral examination from 2012 onwards. This move taken by MOE reveals the EMPHASIS THEY ARE PLACING ON communicating and critical thinking AND OTHER 21ST CENTURY skills. MOE’s flexibility IN MAKING changes reveals the effectiveness of the education system in Singapore that continuously adapts itself to global trends, national and economic developments to prepare young people for the future.
Oops. 6:39pm Monday 26 April 2010.
Time's up for this assignment.
Those above are the ones that I will EDIT. Do continue posting your paragraphs so that I can comment (though not edit) later when I have the time after I mark my other class's esays;)
Name: Par Qi Ting
Question: “Children today are no longer able to enjoy their childhood”. Is this true of children of our society?
My Topic Sentences:
1. With the rising standards of living accompanying the development of Singapore’s economy, the rise in average family income and therefore the spending ability of parents has meant that the needs and wants of children of our society today are better provided for, allowing them to enjoy their childhood more than their parents had.
2. However, despite the emphasis on academic studies, children today are not completely weighed down by parental expectations of their academic performances as parents of Singapore society today are more open to giving their children more freedom to pursue and develop their self interests than they themselves had. This sort of freedom is greatly desired by children of today’s society, hence children are able to enjoy their childhood better.
3. From another angle, the rise in the standards of living has brought about a new era of small family units with an average of 2.11 children born to a woman in Singapore according to a Singstats report in 2009. This means that children of Singapore society today receive more attention and are likely more pampered and treasured than children of previous generations, hence a higher likelihood of them enjoying their childhood.
My Improved paragraph:
With the rising standards of living accompanying the development of Singapore’s economy, the rise in average family income and therefore the spending ability of parents has meant that the needs and wants of children of our society today are better provided for, allowing them to enjoy their childhood more than their parents had. Due to this economic trend, children of today have a larger sum of pocket money and receive more material items than children of previous generations. In Singapore, an increasing number of children own hand phones and computers—devices that function as a combination of gaming, communication, social networking and photo-taking. There is also a growing number of families who subscribe to external television networks such as ‘mio TV’ and ‘Starhub TV’ for additional children programmes to provide more entertainment options for their children. Children are exposed to various sources and choices of entertainment from a very young age. The exciting visual graphics of computer games, animated characters of both games and television programmes, engaging television programmes, interactive feature of the internet—all these make the childhood of children today more enjoyable. This is in contrast to the entertainment options of previous generations, which was largely dominated by outdoor games and the occasional luxury of being able to watch television programmes on a black-and-white television. Therefore, children of our society today are able to enjoy their childhood better than children of previous generations due to the rise in standards of living as they are able to enjoy entertainment from many more sources then before.
My Reflections & Learning Points:
• If I study, I can get above 25/50
• If I read TIMES magazine religiously every week, I can get above 25/50
• LINK BACK TO STAND, QUESTION AND TOPIC SENTENCE nicely.
• Obstacles:
o Using deep, expressive and complex language to express my simple thoughts
o Coming up with logical paragraphs with ideas that flow
o I think and write too slowly
I missed ms goh by 3 minutes :(
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